Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
