i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
