weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
