So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
