I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
