I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
