I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
