Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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