she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Randomize
