I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
