sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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