then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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