My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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