guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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