If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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