It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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