Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
