tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Found the puke drawer
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
