I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
