awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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