i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
