u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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