i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Randomize
