i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
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Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
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I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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