lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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