I want to have your abortion
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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