someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize