Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
