i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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