he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
