Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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