Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
