Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
