Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
