he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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