Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You brought string cheese to the strip club
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
