Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
