But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
