upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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