So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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