I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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