I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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