Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
