I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
