now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
