Apparently you make a good broom.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You don't make any sense
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