I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
