theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
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I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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