he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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