I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
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I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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