your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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