dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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