Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
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all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
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dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it