My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.