I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
