I can text with my tongue
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
