Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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