theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
