i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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