Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
